


Red Him and the Pretty Blue Bird

by elwon



Series: Bizarro Knows Best [3]
Category: Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws Rebirth (Comics)
Genre: All the actual jaydick is offscreen, Artemis is beyond done, Bizarro is sunshine and joy, I wish there was a rating between gen and teen, M/M, This is where I disappoint all the gen fans, because this has less romantic content than a disney film, sorry gen fans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-07 20:05:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11066166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elwon/pseuds/elwon
Summary: After watching Disney films, Bizarro decides to get Jason a love interest. And then Nightwing shows up.





	Red Him and the Pretty Blue Bird

This time the whole thing starts because Bizarro discovers Disney Movies. One rainy day when he’s sitting on the couch with Fenris in his lap, he watches 101 Dalmatians, followed by The Little Mermaid and the next phase of ‘Operation: Make Red Him Happy With His Life’ forms in his mind. He explains his plan to both Pup-pup and Fenris and they both agree to help. They also agree to keep it secret as Jason can get very huffy if he thinks he’s being pushed into something. Even if it’s something he wants. All Bizarro really needs to do is find just the right person for Jason. That’s the tricky part and needs proper researching; the romancing should be easy, well apart from the singing. Bizarro doesn’t have the best singing voice.

Bizarro thinks about asking for Artemis’ help, but he wants someone for Jason that will stay. Artemis has a lot of luck meeting women, but none of them seem to last very long. He wants Artemis to be happy too, and Disney tells him that all his teammates are lacking are girlfriends or boyfriends. But, Artemis would punch him for trying to help her and her punches hurt. He’ll have to be much more patient and clever with her. So, yes, he’ll fix Jason up first and then he’ll have time to devote to Artemis.

Bizarro and Fenris make their way through all the Disney movies, Fenris joining in the singing through most of them, to Artemis’ annoyance and Jason’s amusement whenever they walk by. They take note of all the romantic things they can use, before branching out into romantic comedies. Bizarro doesn’t find most of them funny though. Half of them are about misunderstandings that would be solved in five minutes by just talking and the other half are all about other people interfering with the main couples. Bizarro decides to stick to Disney for inspiration.

***

It takes a few weeks of careful Jason-watching before Bizarro is confident he knows what type of person Jason likes and wants to date. Bizarro is about to invite the pretty brunette checkout girl from their local grocery store to a date with Jason (he smiles at her more than anyone but Fenris!), but he drops that idea when Artemis brings her home one night. Jason hadn’t seemed disappointed by this. He even tried to give Artemis a high-five. Artemis had declined. No one else seems to attract Jason’s attention, and Bizarro begins to reconsider his plan, until Nightwing drops by for a visit. 

It takes about three minutes of watching Jason and Nightwing make very awkward conversation, something about how bad Dick’s outfit is and that he shouldn’t be allowed to dress himself ever

(“It’s really not that bad, Jason!”

“No, it really is, Goldie. We aren’t even in public and I’m ashamed to be seen with you.”)

before Bizarro rearranges his plans and informs Fenris of the new developments. Fenris cocks his head at this and sniffs the air surrounding Jason and Nightwing deeply, before pushing his head under Bizarro’s hand in agreement. Bizarro wishes everyone were as smart as Fenris.

“OK, Not-Sparky, phase one am go!” Bizarro whispers, as he hears the awkward small talk peter out between Jason and the other man. Fenris slinks off to the kitchen, returning moments later with his walking harness and lead in his mouth. Fenris walks over to Dick and sits down in front of him, looking up at him expectantly. Jason automatically reaches down to clip Fenris’ harness on, but Fenris leans away from him to lie down right on top of Dick’s feet, much to the man’s discomfort.

“What are you doing? I thought you wanted to go out?” Jason asks Fenris, who whines in reply and drops further onto Dick’s feet, “Looks like my dog wants you to take him for a walk, Dick. Because Fenris is a shameless hussy, aren’t you, boy? Yes, you are, you giant mutt.” Jason says, half in apology and half amused because Fenris is not a light dog. 

“You trust me alone with your dog? Last I heard, you didn’t trust me alone with one of your books. He’s adorable. You might not get him back, Jaybird.” Dick says, grinning, obviously trying to get a rise out of Jason.

“Well, if you didn’t always dog ear the pages and bend the spines back, maybe I would trust you with my books! And there is no way in hell I’m leaving you with Fenris. He’ll devour you whole, and then the demon spawn will want revenge on me for letting it happen. Looks like you’re stuck with me.” Jason says, entirely unconvincingly. Fenris gets up and lets Jason harness him, and yes, Bizarro can see the tops of Jason’s ears begin to redden, as he tries to hide his smile.

They leave for the closest dog-friendly park that Jason regularly walks Fenris at. Bizarro puts Pup-pup in the pocket of his dungarees and they follow at a safe distance, because he wants to make sure his plan works. Also, it’s just really entertaining watching Jason get silly over Dick. It’s late enough in the evening that there aren’t many other people at the park, but not so late the street lamps have turned on. Bizarro resists the urge to sing for mood music. The last time he sang, Artemis told him it sounded like a bear falling down a ravine, which is not romantic. Bizarro had asked her how she knew what that sounded like. Artemis had just smiled at him and Bizarro decided he didn’t want to know that badly. Singing would let Jason and Dick know that he followed them, too. It’s not a secret plan if they’re found out.

Bizarro and Pup-pup sit in a tree, watching as Fenris runs around the park, sniffing and rolling around in the grass, letting all the excess energy out. Bizarro takes out a small pair of knitting needles and continues the double-purl knit that he began yesterday, keeping his hands occupied while he narrates to Pup-pup what Jason and Dick are getting up to. They’ve been slowly walking around the circuit of the park, at one point Bizarro thought they might have been holding hands, but instead it’s been badly hidden sneak peeks at each other. Eventually Fenris makes his way over to where Jason and Dick are, and Jason dutifully clips the leash back onto his harness for the walk home.

Pup-pup tells Bizarro this is the perfect time to do the thing, so he whistles lowly and watches Fenris’ ears prick up as he hears it. It’s the signal for Fenris to do the 101 Dalmatians thing, and he does; expertly wrapping his leash around Jason and Dick’s legs to force them perilously close together. In the few seconds that Jason and Dick are lost in each other’s eyes, Fenris leaps up at Jason’s back to knock them over. Jason lands right on top of Dick, Fenris still at his back pinning them both down for a moment before he rolls off, looking pleased with himself. Neither of them notices he’s moved off of them, faces tinted red and eyes flicking down to each other’s lips. Bizarro carefully folds up his knitting and puts it in his pocket, making sure not to poke Pup-pup. He leaves the park, happy that phase one went better than hoped for. He and Pup-pup need to get home to set up phase two.

***

Phase two involves candles, flower petals, a bouquet of roses and a box of chocolates. It also involves making sure that Artemis doesn’t walk in while Jason and Dick enjoy the mood Bizarro is trying to set up. He stands by the door and waits to catch Artemis by the arm as she walks by. She comes minutes later, and gives him a glare as he drags her into the kitchen.

“Bizarro, what are you doing?” Artemis says, pulling her arm out of his grip.

“Red Her not interrupt. Red Him and Blue Him am have date! Me am finished with decorating.” Bizarro points to the newly decorated living room. There are candles stuck into random places, lit and dripping wax on whatever is below them. Flower petals cover every surface. An open box of chocolates sits on the coffee table. Bizarro is very proud of his decorating skills. It looks like Valentine’s Day exploded in there.

“...I do not want to know, do I?” Artemis says. She has what Jason calls her ‘6000% done with this’ look on her face. Bizarro thinks that’s just her normal resting face.

“Red Him am happy when Blue Him visit. Me am helping as Red Him am shy!” Bizarro continues as if Artemis hadn’t spoken. Artemis rolls her eyes.

“I was right. I do not want to know. I am also not helping. Not at all. No, don’t look at me like that, Bizarro.” Artemis crosses her arms as if that will stop Bizarro from giving her his sad eyes. It won’t. All Bizarro really needs to do is wait Artemis out until she agrees to stay away from the living room. It takes a minute or two before she huffs and then says, “Fine. What do you want me to do?” Artemis then picks up an apple from the fruit bowl and bites into it in grumpy defeat.

“Red Her am help by staying out of living room. Yes?” Bizarro is so happy that his plan is going so well. They should really let him do all the planning for missions. Bizarro has a knack for this!

“So all I have to do is not be here? That’s more than fine with me. I’m going to leave to avoid this train wreck.” Artemis takes another bite of her apple and stalks out of the kitchen, taking her apple with her.

“Thanks, Red Her! Me am hope Red Her am have nice night!” Bizarro calls out as she walks away, long red hair snapping from side to side as she moves.

With the preparation for phase two done, all Bizarro needs to do is wait for Jason, Dick and Fenris to return. 

***

They return a few minutes later. Bizarro lets Fenris inside, but grabs Jason and pulls him into the kitchen before he can see the living room.

“Here, Red Him am give to Blue Him!” Bizarro says as he shoves a big bouquet of red roses into Jason’s arms. He then carries Jason back into the hallway where Dick has been unclipping Fenris’ harness. Bizarro and Fenris go to hide in Bizarro’s room, where they can hear everything that’s about to happen just fine.

“Uh, Bizarro wants me to give you these? I think he’s too shy to do it himself...” Jason sounds confused, but he hands over the bouquet to Dick all the same. Bizarro and Fenris give each other sympathetic looks which say ‘why is our boy so clueless sometimes?’

“Oh? Maybe he has a little crush on me? Or at least _someone_ does...” Dick says, amusement colouring his voice. It seems that Dick at least has got a clue.

“To be honest, I really hope he doesn’t.” Jason says.

“Oh?” Bizarro can hear Dick’s grin through his closed door, and it’s a big one.

“Yeah, my clone son’s way too good for you. I won’t allow it. As leader of the team and his clone dad, I’m putting my foot down, and oh god, suddenly I understand Bruce a little better about you. I don’t like that.” Jason sounds a little upset with himself. 

“That ...was not the response I was expecting. Thanks, Jay.” Dick still sounds amused, but it’s muffled by him pushing his face into the flowers.

“Yeah, well...” Jason trails off awkwardly, and then “Holy fuck, what the hell?!” Bizarro hears as they walk into the living room, and “BIZARRO” as Jason walks back out. Bizarro goes out in the hall and puts his hands on Jason’s shoulders.

“Me am help. Red Him too shy. Red Him should tell Blue Him you like Blue Him! Me am make romantic scene.” with that said, Bizarro picks Jason up and takes him back into the living room where Dick’s sitting on the couch, looking around with a smile on his face, putting him down before leaving and closing the door behind him. Bizarro goes back to his room and sits down on his bed with Fenris while they wait to hear how things go. 

“This is really nice, Jay. All this for me? I feel so special, this is so romantic!” Dick likes Bizarro decorating! Dick now has a friend for life in Bizarro, as long as he doesn’t break Jason’s heart of course. Because then Bizarro and Fenris and even Artemis will have to _crush_ him.

“Uh, yeah. You wanna watch something? Let’s watch something so we don’t have to look at all this ...uh really good hard work Bizarro put in,” Jason says like the awkward turtle he is when he’s doing something that doesn’t involve shooting bad guys. He turns on the TV, which displays the last watch list that Bizarro had set up titled RED-HIM WATCH THIS WITH BLUE-HIM! “OK, we are not watching The Notebook, don’t pout at me, Goldie, I’m picking The Princess Bride.” 

“Maybe I wanted to watch The Notebook! And you do realise that The Princess Bride is still a kissing movie right?” Dick jokes as Jason sits down on the couch next to him.

“There may be kissing, but there are also Rodents of Unusual Size to which I feel a deep affinity,” Jason sniffs, “and the whole coming back from the mostly dead thing amuses me.”

“As you wish!” Dick quips as he leans into Jason’s side.

Bizarro can hear them quoting along with the movie, and they both sound happy, so his plan is going very well and he pats Fenris gently on the head in celebration and gets a doggy tongue lolling smile back. Jason and Dick seem to know the entire movie as they never stop quoting along. Fenris falls asleep with his head on Bizarro’s lap just as the movie ends, snoring contently. 

The next movie on Bizarro’s watch list queues up, but Dick and Jason are talking softly, and Bizarro lets their voices wash over him without paying attention. The soft murmurs are as comforting as a hug. When the noise turns from voices to kissing, Bizarro puts on his noise-blocking headphones and gives them as much privacy as he can give them with super-hearing. 

***

The next morning when Bizarro gets up, Jason and Dick are in Jason’s room, so he cleans up the living room, picking up each and every flower petal and cleaning up the melted wax and candles. Bizarro leaves Pup-pup guarding the fruit bowl as he feeds Fenris. Artemis strolls in through the front door and sits at the breakfast bar. She doesn’t ask how last night went, she only demands waffles. Bizarro makes them and pours her favourite mix of white chocolate and maple syrup over them. 

When Jason and Dick finally emerge from his room and into the kitchen, they’re holding hands and smiling. Bizarro makes enough waffles for three, Artemis rolls her eyes at them all, Fenris gets her a beer from the fridge, prompting Dick to pet Fenris for being ‘such a clever boy’ and Jason walks over to Bizarro and makes Bizarro’s day with his quiet but heartfelt “Thanks for last night, buddy.”

Bizarro celebrates another plan gone well by eating all the waffles and humming ‘Kiss The Girl’ as loudly as he possibly can.


End file.
